She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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