I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
