I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
