fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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