a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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