You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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