I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
