i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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