The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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