I didn't shave. On purpose
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
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Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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