a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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