I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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