It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So here I am, sexting at work.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
