I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
