I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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