Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
