I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
