Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
