I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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