My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
