nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
