I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
