I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
