The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
