My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
