I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
