Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
