It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
