two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
