Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
