I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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