Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Enjoy the penises
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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