note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
