youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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