He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
