If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
