I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
