I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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