Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
