I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space