this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
