god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
