Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
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You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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