i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
