Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
