I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
