sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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