You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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