If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
