So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
