Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
