tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
