I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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