two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
