Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
