Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
