I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Boobs speak an international language.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
