arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
